Bumper cars

So I don’t own, or know anyone that owns, a super yacht, which means the Monaco grand prix weekend is typically less exciting for me, but as we’re all supposed to love Monaco, let’s pretend…

As we all struggle to come to terms with the fact that this is the first time there has been no Monaco grand prix since the dawn of time, we can take consolation in the fact that we at least get to see some overtaking in the virtual races. Except that the Codemasters TV director may actually be worse than the real Monaco TV director.

This time around, the first decision the organisers had to grapple with was whether to have damage on, meaning everyone would have broken front wings before the end of the first lap, or whether damage should be turned off and we would just have to live with them all playing bumper cars with each other and the barriers. They opted for the latter, arguably for the best? 

Another great decision from the organisers was to actually tell us what order people would be starting the race in. Great work guys, and it only took three rounds to get there. 

The drivers only had to worry about whether they were going to race themselves, or if they should turn off their cameras and get a pro sim driver to do it for them instead.  

As for qualifying, it was Lirim Zendeli who took pole position, with Jack Aitken second and Arthur Leclerc in third. Thankfully for his mental health, Louis Delétraz qualified fourth, which was high enough to keep him out of the inevitable mid-field melee. 

Carnage but not total carnage

Despite massive carnage at the start of the lap, it was still surprisingly less carnage than was probably expected and we could just ignore it, focus on the front, and pretend everything was fine. Zendeli had kept his lead, while Aitken had dropped down to fourth, promoting Leclerc and Delétraz up to second and third. 

Just as the commentators started getting into a rhythm talking about how hard it is to overtake in Monaco (yes, real life Monaco where you can’t ram each other into the barriers and keep on going), Delétraz made what even he described as an unrealistic overtake on Leclerc, jumping up to second place, and Aitken barged his way past Leclerc as well. “It’s a different mindset with damage off,” claimed commentator Alex Jacques. No shit Alex. 

Several laps in and Ilott, Leclerc, Aitken, Ghiotto, Ticktum, Valsecchi, Fittipaldi and Markelov all had at least one penalty each and there was probably a whole load more as well, but it was too hard to keep up. By lap 12, even Alex had given up trying to follow the penalties, despite it being his job, and declared, “We’ll just have to wait until they go over the line!” Exciting. 

After a previously failed attempt at getting back past Aitken, Leclerc got lucky as Aitken made a mistake. Leclerc could just be heard screaming “Karma!” at Aitken as he drove by. However, it wasn’t long before Aitken had caught back up to Leclerc, who was audibly disappointed, “Oh no, he’s back”.

While everyone was being handed out penalties, Delétraz had managed to jump Zendeli in the pit stops, but Zendeli on newer tyres was quickly hunting down Delétraz for the race lead. It was shaping up to be an exciting finish to the race. That was until we were treated with the message, “Zendeli has left the session,” as his internet connection dropped and he was swiftly transported back to the pits, leaving Delétraz to get on with winning the race in relative peace. 

Behind Louis, in the ongoing Leclerc/Aitken battle, Arthur managed to spin himself around, allowing Aitken to overtake once more, along with Enzo Fittipaldi. At some point during the battle, Théo Pourchaire had also taken advantage and jumped both Leclerc and Aitken, but he had a penalty so the final standings were Delétraz, Aitken and Pourchaire on the podium, with Fittipaldi fourth and Leclerc fifth. None of the rest of what happened in the race mattered because Codemasters director doesn’t care about that. 

Full on carnage

Everyone made it through the first corner for the five-lap Sprint Race, which was unexpected, but then, less unexpectedly, there was total chaos, with Delétraz taking out Aitken and clearly feeling very guilty about it. 

In the lead was Juan Manuel Correa, with Leclerc just behind him and constantly trying to bash his way past. Calan Williams was in third place and everyone else was just a blur of penalties. 

Leclerc never gave up in trying to ram Correa off the track, but Correa held it together until the finish line, where his win was taken away from him courtesy of the million penalties he managed to get on the last lap. Leclerc was victorious, with Delétraz, who apparently passed Williams at some point, in second. Correa finished down in third. 

To the points! No? Ok

Apparently we (the F2 people) have stopped counting points or anything now and who can even remember who won the previous races anyway, so all that’s left to say is next time we have Baku apparently. What could go wrong?