So bad it’s good

F1 has reached that important and often-celebrated milestone of 75 years old and just as 50 years is celebrated with gold and 70 with platinum, 75 is commonly marked by a two-hour long extravaganza promising that “fans will be on the edge of their seats“. There’s a lot of things in the racing world that typically keep people on the edge of their seats, such as overtaking, high-speed corners and bitchy radio messages, but F1 decided to opt for people looking awkward, lights, more lights, bad sound quality, and a little car-carrying platform that slid about the stage going up and down and doing the occasional rotation. Ooooooo, I’m on the edge of my seat.

(A caveat in case you dare to read any further: it sounds like I hated F1 75 but I actually enjoyed every terrible minute of it, although I didn’t quite make it to the end, sorry Take That).

Stake/Kick/Sauber

First up to present their livery on the slidey car platform was Stake/Kick/Sauber. The sound quality on their video was so bad it was almost impossible to hear the surely profound message that was being conveyed. What was clear though was that the team is “ready to hustle harder”. Let’s take a look at the dictionary definition of the word “hustle”: 1) to push roughly or jostle, 2) to obtain illicitly or by forceful action. At least they seem to have a strategy.

They also had lots of drums and glowy green drumsticks, so who really cares about the video, or in fact what the car looks like (it’s also glowy green, obviously). To accompany the dramatic excess of drums was extremely dramatic music that was nowhere near the same level of drama conveyed by a green F1 car moving up and down slowly on a platform.

A tough act for the rest of the teams to follow…

Williams

“That was then. This is now.”

Really? That’s the message they wanted us to take away as they rolled a video showing decades of success? Well that was then and this is now suckers, so don’t expect any of that, but look here’s James Vowles instead, isn’t he cheery as he struggles to take a selfie? He really knows how to manage expectations.

Visa Cash App Racing Bulls

For some reason I didn’t write any notes about Visa Cash App Racing Bulls. Probably because I was so diligently following their lesson on what their name is. It’s VISA CASH APP RACING BULLS, OK!?!?!?!? Please notice our sponsors, they pay a lot of money! Oh and the car is white now.

Haas

“We’re American!!!” was the message Haas seemed very keen to convey through their video montage of flags and eagles and stuff (whatever, I can’t really remember what was on it but feels like eagles were there). It was long and I’m sure everyone was feeling the US vibes as Ayao Komatsu, Esteban Ocon and Ollie Bearman trotted out on stage. Those American guys.

Alpine

“Are we dreaming?” asked Alpine, apparently surprised that they’d made it this far. “What do you mean we have to launch our car tonight? No we haven’t prepared anything. Let’s just stick Brian Tyler (the American composer of the F1 theme song) on stage and dress him up as a Euro DJ circa 1990 and have him play something. It will be cool. Or confusing. Whatever. What do you mean we need to prepare some questions for the drivers? Ok, fine we can just ask them about their hair.”

As everyone sat, bewildered, it was time for a random interval. A sparkly Laura Winter appeared, talking about all the great work that the volunteer marshals do. Cue a still sparkly but now also confused Laura Winter as the crowd suddenly started booing loudly. Cut to a wide shot showing that a large FIA logo had just appeared on the screen. That makes sense, everyone thought.

Aston Martin

The build-up was real. All James Bond, cool, sleek, daring. A video of Lance Stroll and Fernando Alonso (or at least people wearing their helmets) engaged in high-speed action. The scene was set. The camera panned away from the stage. Where would our action-hero drivers appear from?

The lights dimmed; an expectant hush. The camera blurred as it struggled to focus on the exact spot of the expected arrival.

Fans were still looking around, trying to excitedly guess what was happening, as a random backdoor opened to reveal the two drivers standing awkwardly in a stairwell. They waved. Is that it? Is this why they’ve been struggling with the next James Bond film? Have they run out of stunts?

Luckily for Aston Martin, violins still exist and they had enough to rival Stake/Kick/Sauber’s drums. I see a collab coming on. They also had a famous (according to people who know) woman singing as the car slowly glided in behind all the violins. Sneaky car.

Mercedes

“Every dream needs a team” declared Mercedes, in a way that was all very Mercedes-level sensible, as they did a very slow pit stop and the car did a very slow spin on its platform.

A calming moment before it was time for another random interval and a chat with sweary chef Gordon Ramsey, who was called upon to advocate for swearing in F1. Oh Gordon, you’re so hilarious, *laughs heartily*.

Red Bull

Where to start with Red Bull? One thing for sure is that they shouldn’t have started with Christian Horner. Solo. Being announced to rapturous applause boos from an adoring contempt-filled audience.

After laughing off his reception, it was time for a big loud fast confusing video followed by a big loud fast confusing arrival of the car alongside Max Verstappen, Liam Lawson and a hundred random (or possibly famous, I’ve given up trying to keep up at this point) people all waving their hands about and jumping. Then I blinked for a second and it was all over. Who knows where they all vanished to but look over there, here comes Ferrari…

Ferrari

Ferrari couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a full sentence so went instead with just “dream”. But every dream needs a team, goddammit, and that team is Mercedes. Or at least that’s what Toto wished Lewis thought.

The car is red by the way.

McLaren

And for the final reveal… drum roll please…. it’s exactly the same livery as last year! Yay! Why change a winning formula?

My attention span was long gone by this point but there was just enough time to play “guess which three members of Take That are left” before they appeared on stage and it was time to switch off.